College (guide?)
To anyone who still reads my blog (probably very few people as my entire AP Lit class is no longer concerned with Senior Exit Projects) I just want to give a little update about everything. No, this post has nothing to do with divorce and children, it is just my boredom taking effect. Here goes:
I am no longer the senior awaiting college. I am the college freshman (not nearly as bad as highschool freshman) and am almost considered a sophomore (just 4 more weeks!). This whole concept is quite exciting, but honestly a year ago I was freaking out. I was still undecided as to where I would attend my post-high school years. How did I come to the conclusion that I did? Well, I had a LOT of discussions with my family and friends, I prayed, I read about the two schools I was deciding between, and I looked at where I could go financially. It was one of the toughest decisions of my life, however, I am thrilled with my choice. The college I now attend is the best place for me. I have grown so incredibly much in just about everything I do. To all of MY juniors out there (who are now seniors) let me give you a bit of advice:
1. Don’t wait till the last-minute to think about the decision
2. Make sure you fill out the FAFSA
3. Look into financial aid/scholarships (your graduation party money will NOT be enough to pay for school–unless you’re related to some rich people who give you thousands of dollars just because you graduated)
4. Think about distance (how far do you really want to be away from home? It may seem nice to be thousands of miles away, but homesickness will still get you. Also you will need to add in prices for getting to and from home if you go far, far away)
5. Consider the food. (Nothing stinks worse than hating the food you get on your meal plan. Variety is key. My college has three different food places on campus and two restaurants we can use our swipes at–pretty nifty!)
6. Do you even like the people there?
7. Does the college/university have the degree you want (no matter how awesome a school is, don’t waste your money going there if all you will gain is your gen eds–chances are you will still have to take some when you transfer!)
8. Value other people’s opinions but don’t let them make the decision for you
9. Consider the class size. (If you like individualized attention, large lecture hall type classrooms are not the place for you)
10. Proximity of the college to stores (If you need groceries or just want to shop to you have to travel long and far?)
Okay, so this list doesn’t cover everything, but you get the point right? The goal is to really think about college before going. There was this one kid from Texas that came to my college for the first semester and didn’t come back after Christmas break because he couldn’t handle the rules. If the college you want to go to has things like curfew and open dorm policies, they will be clearly stated (usually on the website, along with in person on tours, etc). Don’t waste your money if you can’t follow the rules. College is a big decision, but it doesn’t have to be a mistake. Good luck all you current seniors out there (MY juniors–sorry, that’s what you’ll always be to me).
Thanks for reading, and God bless!!
Add a comment April 1, 2011
Rights and Anger
In my recent researching I came across an article (from the Divorce and Children website) that names the childrens’ rights following divorce. This list found here, lays out some important things for parents to remember when raising their children after getting divorced. For instance, making sure that the kids don’t feel like they must keep secrets from one parent about the other parent is incredibly important. If a parent tells something to the child, then says “don’t tell your daddy/mommy”, that child is going to feel guilty about hiding something about their other parent. Then the child may begin to feel as though he or she must take sides in the matter, thus choosing one parent over the other which can lead to fear of losing a parent. All these scenarios due to secret telling can be a factor to different known effects that children are susceptible to after divorce. The National Network for Child Care, has an article by an Iowa State University Professor, Lesia Oesterreich, entitled Divorce Matters: A Child’s View that splits up the different effects and what parents can do, based on age of the children.
One of the common trends throughout all ages (with the exclusion of infants) would be anger. Toddlers display their anger through things like temper tantrums, which is common for this age (terrible 2′s), however these actions may be carried out longer, and more concerning than that of toddlers reaching their developmental milestone. Oesterreich suggest parents deal with their toddlers reactions to the divorce by establishing routines and spending quality alone time with the children. This will enable the children to gain a sense of normalcy and maintain and enhance their relationships with their parents.
Preschoolers emit their anger by blaming one parent through remarks and actions. This is worrisome because that can hinder the growth of the relationship with that parent. If the child feels as though one of the parents is the reason the family is not nuclear, then the child may stop talking to that parent, may yell at that parent, may refuse to spend time with that parent, etc. By doing so, that parent will have to work especially hard to regain a healthy relationship with the child. Some parents go too far, however, and try to buy love with toys and things the child likes such as ice cream. A better way to handle this, as suggested by Oesterreich, is to have the child express feelings through things like games and art, and to continually reassure the child that both parents love him/her.
Elementary school children express their anger by misbehaving or blaming themselves. Misbehavior may be used to get attention from one or both parents or it may be used by children as an outlet for their anger. Neither are healthy. When a child blames him/herself for the divorce, he/she feels guilty and actions reflect those shameful feelings. In order to help parents can encourage the children to discuss their feelings about the divorce directly with them or any other adult they (the children) trust. Also, the parents should inform the childrens’ teacher(s) of the divorce, so the teacher may keep an eye out for signs of anger or self-blame that the children may not be exhibiting at home.
Finally, preteens and adolescents are very angry and may act out in ways of rebellious nature, such as shoplifting, or skipping school. These actions are common in teens, however, they need to be discouraged from participating in such behavior as it can lead to worse things, such as arrests. Parents need to be aware that if these actions begin to occur, they may be due to the divorce. Oesterreich suggests parents should maintain a routine and require their teens to respect both parents, follow the rules, get good grades, etc.
Add a comment March 15, 2010
Going Deeper
In order to evaluate the outcomes of divorce upon children, it is necessary to take a dig deeper into the people that determine how their lives are changing. These include the parents, school officials, doctors and therapists. All these people have an impact on the way the childrens lives are different following a divorce.
To start, the parents are the biggest change. Children go from having a solid nuclear family, which is society’s definition of “normal”, to a life with a single parent. There is less money, which equals less opportunities to do things such as sports and girl/boy scouts. According to Divorce-Through the Eyes of a Child by Alliance for Parents and Families 2000, parents that have divorced are prone to be poor role models for their children by lieing and trying to buy love in an attempt to comfort their children. The parents feel they are doing what is best for their children, but in reality their actions are only harming them. Thus the children can develop feelings of loss, both of family and normalcy, abandonment, and even their childhood as some young people become burdened with the need to help provide for what is left of the family.
Schools can be to blame for some of the problems children face with adjusting to their new lives. They work on a one-family basis, so everything that is mailed home is sent to the address where the child resides for the greater period of time. While this is true, I know first-hand that some school systems have a “copy-system” in place where it is possible to request a copy of certain things, like report cards, be sent to the other parent. The only downside to this is more paperwork and the student may be left with two copies of everything if the school decides to pass things out at school rather than mail them out. Parent-teacher conferences can be tricky as well for students with divorced parents. This can become uncomfortable if the parents are not on speaking terms or if they are prone to argument. One parent, usually the one not living with the child, can become alientated from the school aspect of the child’s life. The child may then feel as though the other parent simply does not care.
Doctors and therapists have a role in the devolpement of the children as well. The offices are open to both parents, yet the one not living with the children may not know much of what is going on, especially minor things like colds. Involvement of the second parent becomes lesser and the children can feel as though they are being neglected. According to the article, “children in the first years of divorce are under the age of eight, confused, embarrassed, isolated, and looking for ways to feel normal”.
Add a comment March 8, 2010
From Movies to Reality
Just the other night I was looking for something “good” to watch on t.v. when I stopped on ABC Family. They were playing the movie The Parent Trap starring Lindsey Lohan. Within minutes, it dawned on me that this movie helps to portray the emotions that children experience with divorced parents. Although the situation is slightly more radical than a “traditional” divorce (the girls, Hal and Annie are twins, their parents split upon birth, each taking a girl with them to California and London), they do exhibit similar symptoms. The girls dream of meeting the parent they have never met, so they scheme to switch places. This want of having both parents present in their lives shows how important it is for a mom and dad to remain involved in the lives of their children after a divorce. It keeps the parent-child relationship stronger, and prevents a void from forming in the child’s life.
Later on in the movie Annie and Hal decide they want to reunite their parents in hopes of a remarriage, thus a “normal” family. This behavior is common among children of divorce. They daydream of the divorce not happening or a remarriage that fixes everything. I know this happens because I experienced it with my own family. When I was younger I dreamt of my parents getting back together and all of us living a story book ending. That wasn’t the case, however, and I have learned to make my life “normal”. I have a routine and I interact with all my mom and dad on a regular basis. As for Hal and Annie in The Parent Trap, young children will need to realize that their fantasy was just a movie, but it is perfectly normal to have those feelings.
4 comments March 1, 2010
Myth and Fact
There are many myths and facts about divorce and the effects it has on the children of the divorced parents. Discovery Health has a list of some of these common misconceptions along with the factual proof that these notions are incorrect. For example myth number six on the list says “When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together”. I believe Americans considering divorce have had this myth run through their minds as truth to back up why they are getting a divorce. Myth number six though, is just that, a myth. The actual process of a divorce has the ability to negatively impact the children involved more so than overhearing some arguments of the parents. All couples go through rough patches in life, no matter how old or how long they have been married. Fighting does not mean they must divorce. It simply means they have issues that need to be smoothed out. If the parents do not constantly have terrible fights, then chances are the kids will benefit from seeing their parents problem solve and work with each other to end the unwanted behavior.
Myth number seven also deals with children of divorced parents. It reads “because [the children] are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes”. It is commonly known that little children learn by example. What Big Brother does is what Little Brother does. The same is true for parents. No matter what stage of life the child is (toddler, school-aged, teenager, young adult, adult), he/she is taking cues from the parents. Even though people say “I won’t end up like my parents” chances are they will because their home environment was formed by their parents.
Myth number eight reads “following divorce, the children involved are better off in step-families than in single-parent families”. Step-families do add that extra income that helps in raising children. Integrating the two sets of families into one family unit can be difficult for several reasons. One is that the children (especially if they see their other parent on a regular basis) can have difficulty in respecting the step-parent has a parent figure, which causes discipline to be even more challenging. If the step-parent says asks the child not to do something (example: jumping on the bed), the child may respond with something like “you’re not my parent!” Another difficulty with step-families is splitting time with everyone. If there are several children then the “new” parent may want to establish a relationship with the “new” children. The “new” parent needs to be careful, however, to spend equal time with their own children to keep them from feeling neglected or favored less than the “new” kids.
While Discovery Health had many more myths on divorce, I only elaborated on the ones that dealt with the children as that is what my Senior Exit Project pertains to.
2 comments February 22, 2010
Abuse, Poor Grades, and Poverty
It is undoubtably known that divorce is common in America. Those couples that split have their reasons for doing so, which can be any number of things. The effects of this life-changing situation, however, are just as important. The children are facing an upset that is not easily mended, if at all. Those very same kids must live with the decision of their parents for the rest of their lives. The effects of divorce are children range wildly due to the severity of the divorce, and the age of the children, among other things. The Heritage Foundation conducted some research in 2000 that brought to light some of the hardships children face due to divorce. Perhaps the most disturbing fact they found was that children with divorced parents are more likely to be abused. Specifics are not layed out, but abuse is abuse in any form, and should not be taken lightly. (If you are interested in learning more about children dealing with abuse and neglect visit my peer’s blog as her senior exit project focuses on that aspect). An unfortunate effect, that teachers must deal with, is lower levels in reading, spelling, and math. Although The Heritage Foundation claims this is true for all children of divorce, I must disagree. I have had divorced parents since I was in kindergarten, and am currently in the top 10% of my class, so this finding may be subject to certain situations. Perhaps I was lucky to have my mom pushing me to do my best, whereas the children involved in the study may not have been so fortunate. Either way, the possibility of children’s grades decreasing is there due to the divorce; whether it be from stress or not enough guidance in their studies, or something else. The Heritage Foundation also found that a child whose parents divorce may suffer a decrease in income as much as 50% and that almost half of the children’s families become poverty-stricken. This is a very saddening statistic because it is not the fault of the child for the parents’ divorce, yet they must live with the consequences of it. The younger children especially, because they are dependant on their parent(s). Older kids, such as teenagers, have the ability to get and hold onto a job, that is if they have the means of getting back and forth. Then you run into problems of the kids dropping out of school to support the family when it is not their job to. Divorce is a messy thing, that should be avoided if possible, for the kids sake.
1 comment February 15, 2010
Dads and Divorce
Divorce can cause a range of psychological effects on the children. The extremity of these effects greatly depends on how well the parents work with each other to provide the children with quality father-child and mother-child time. According to Larry Bilotta, the interaction of the father with the children is crucial. He says that the father has the ability “to create an emotionally secure, productive adult or a troubled adult with a vast array of habits insecurites“ I understand this first hand because my parents are divorced and I regularly visit my dad. He has helped instill values in my life, such as always trying my absolute best and the ability to resolve conflict in a non-destructive manner. He also has set high standards for my dating life. I was not allowed to date until I turned 16 and the potential boyfriend must formally ask permission to date me. However old school, and uncool I think this is, I also understand that my dad wants to approve the boy and make sure he is worthy of my time. My dad does this because he cares about me. This was all strange at first, because I do not see my dad as often as teens whose parents are still together, so it did not seem fair, however, now I am truly grateful for all the frustration. Because I have close ties with both of my parents, the stress of them being divorced was not too bad. That is not the case for every child and teenager though. According to Bilotta, the age a child is when the parents divorce has an impact on the psychological effects. He names that preschool aged children become “withdrawn, angry, and seemingly impossible to please“. Middle school and high school children are likely to “fantasize about the remarriage of their parents” and that they may use of drugs and alcohol to hide their feelings. Bilotta says this age group is common to withdraw from friends, family, and activities, along with fighting, bullying, cheating, lying, stealing, and running away. While these are alarming and undesirable actions, parents need to understand their children are going through major emotional stress, and they need to help their children cope in a healthy manner.
3 comments February 8, 2010
Children and Divorce
As I was researching the effects of divorce on children, I came across a document by a student at the Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine. She had broken down just what I need. Some details about the relationship between the age of a child when their parents separate. She found that young children (between the ages of three and five) are likely to have separation anxiety for the parent that does not have custody and it is common for them to fear losing the parent they live with. Children labeled as early latency (between the ages of six and a half and eight) are likely to have fantasies about many things, including dreams of the parents reuniting and having a happy ending. Those kids that fall under the late latency stage (between the ages of eight and eleven) are likely to develop anger and are prone to mentally assign one parent as the “good” and one as the “bad”. Finally, adolescents (between the ages of twelve and eighteen) can develop a number of problems such as depression and suicidal thought. They are susceptible to fear their own future relationships and how those will work out.
While this is a summary of only part of the document by this grad student, the information is valuable to my research because it names specific effects on children in varying age groups once their parents split. Thoughts and comments are very much appreciated.
3 comments February 1, 2010
Thoughts–Divorce
As a senior at my high school I am required to complete a Senior Exit Project. It consists of extensive research on a topic, interviews, papers, and a speech. I have been debating about a possible topic—divorce.
My parents are divorced and each has remarried, so it would be a very personal subject. The focus of my project will most likely lie on the children. I believe that the age a child is when parents separate will have a great impact on the rest of the child’s life. Personally, I was quite young when my parents had their disputes. This actually has helped me because I grew up with the belief that my life was completely normal. As far as my project goes, I am having trouble finding any information regarding the age of the children specifically. Therefore, I may end up researching the effects of divorce on children—possible emotional and developmental issues.
2 comments January 15, 2010
